398. Starting The Week With Some Jokes

[thanks to Mike who compiled them here]

Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “What is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I made the mistake of doing that this morning and it's nighttime now!


A procrastinator’s work is never done.


If you want to change the world, do it while you're single.
Once you're married, you can't even change the TV channel.


Did you hear about the chameleon that couldn't change color?
He had a reptile dysfunction.


Someone once told me, "You're never going to forget me".
I just can't remember who it was.


The true meaning of opaque is unclear.


Girls, never make eye contact while eating a banana.


I am NOT childish!
You're just a big poopy head!


Enjoy your 20's, 30's and 40's.
Because in your 50's that check engine light is coming on.


The idea that the "ideal beach body" just means being thin or buff is so unimaginative.
Surely the ideal beach body would have a powerful lobster claw, arm flaps to act as a windbreak, and a sand repellant anus.


Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life.
Laughing at your wife's can shorten it.


I hate when funerals are held at 9AM.
I'm not really a mourning person.


I don't know how people get bitten by sharks.
I mean, how do you not hear the music?


Sign next to the oval office desk.
This workplace has gone -100- days without an overwhelming sense of dread.


I told my daughter I saw a deer on the way to work this morning.
She asked me, "How did you know it was on its way to work?"


I wasn't planning on going for a run today.
But those cops came out of nowhere!


St. Louis County Republicans assert that gender-neutral bathrooms are an attack on traditional family values and religious freedom.
(That's the joke.)


Enter password...
"password"
Your password is incorrect...
"incorrect"
try again...
"again"


I tripped over my wife's bra.
It was a booby trap.


My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
So I took her to Subway, and that's when the fight started.


Making new friends as an adult is hard because I don't want them.


I'm trying to organize a hide-and-seek tournament.
But good players are hard to find.


I've got two jars.
A 'swear jar' and a 'forgot why I came into the room jar'.
Guess which one has the most money in it.


My daughter said, "You're the best Dad ever!".
I'm really proud she is learning sarcasm at such a young age.


Principal calls a dad...
Principal: Your son always causes trouble here in school.
Dad: He always causes trouble at home too, did I ever call you?


I bought a wig today for only a dollar.
It was a small price toupee.


If Fox News had been around in 1955,
we'd still have polio.


AKA is
also known as
also known as


"Get this..." said a guy to his friends. "Last night while I was drinking at the bar with you guys, a burglar broke into my house."
"Did he get anything?" his friends asked.
"Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts.
My wife thought it was me coming home drunk again."


Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to first-year medical students.
This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "Probably golfing with his buddies".


A therapist draws a picture and asks his patient what he sees.
‟Sex.”
Draws another picture.
‟Sex.”
And another.
‟Sex. Sex. Sex.”
Therapist says, ‟Clearly you're obsessed with sex.”
Patient says, ‟Hey, you're the one drawing all the dirty pictures.”


People say being a waiter is a bad job.
But, hey, it puts food on the table.


Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).
In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.
Rick-Rolling since before Rick was a roller.


Can everyone who is here for the yodeling lessons...
Please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.


A barbarian slave in Rome somehow won the attention of Caesar's daughter.
They became lovers. To avoid pregnancy, they agreed to oral sex only. After just a few encounters, they were caught in the act. At first, the barbarian, imprisoned and sentenced to fight to entertain the Coliseum crowd, regretted his poor judgment.
Eventually, though, he was gladiator.


I was digging in my garden this morning and found some gold coins.
I was really excited and rushed inside to tell my girlfriend about it but then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.