453. Memes & Jokes to Brighten Your Day

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I got booed off of the stage at the start of my comedy act for saying that I still live with my parents.

That's the last time I do a gig at an orphanage.

Mom: Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.

Son: What's that got to do with anything?

Mom: It's pasture bedtime.

I'm reading a horror story in braille. 

Something bad is going to happen. 

I can feel it.I was blessed with a 9-inch penis.

The priest is in jail now.

I'm down with social distancing, but I think my local grocery store has gone too far.

They've put a big X on the floor to show where to stand in line at the register.

I've seen enough Roadrunner cartoons, I'm not falling for that.

I just called the paranoia hotline.

A guy answered with, “How did you get this number?!”

I always wondered if cats are religious.

Then I realized that they are all practicing cat licks.

I tried to sneak into a Star Trek convention disguised as a doctor.

But the security guard stopped me and said I wasn’t the real McCoy.

I'm the best man at my friends' second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with "Welcome back everyone"?

All the silent K's in English confuse me.

Like, why is there a silent K in knot?

Or two silent K's in knuckle?

Or three silent K's in republican?